“A career is wonderful thing, but you can’t snuggle up to it on a cold night.”
~Marilyn Monroe
I remember coming across this quote somewhere online years ago and it struck me. And it struck me probably because I had just got done watching some random re-run of Sex and the City and realized something that had never dawned on me before. In New York City, the balance of power has long changed. We men are no longer in the driver’s seat when it comes to relationships, though most women would claim they want a “man in charge.” Truth of the matter is, women have found a new love, a true love: their careers.
I started online dating about two years ago and was amazed to find myself suddenly interacting with women who were vastly different than who I’d been finding on my own artistic circle and at bars. I was now going on dates with lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs. There was an energy that was completely new to me: the act of actually being in the presence of a woman who has it together. Who not only has it together, but even moreso than myself. That’s when it happened.
“Look, I just have to be honest… I am VERY married to my career… and, to be honest, you’d never be anything more than just a mister-ess.”
I was dumbfounded as I sat across the table from a prominent female film producer who was lying down the ground rules of our newfound relationship that had not even began to blossom yet. I was used to being the one setting the tone, the pace, and, most importantly, the rules.
Flash-forward three years later, and not much has changed in terms of how people seem relationships. Whereas before my guy friends and I used to discuss movies, what new show we wanted to hit up, or what Williamsburg bar we wanted to try this weekend, we now found ourselves sitting at brunch trying to figure out what we were doing in our own individual relationships.
“Maybe she’s just not that into me…”
“Maybe she’s just scared to get close to someone…”
“Why won’t she get close to me?”
“Why won’t she commit?”
We represent the male view/fears when it comes to relationships now. So, what to do? Is there no hope? For a long time we all felt there wasn’t any and soon found ourselves settling and complacent about what was to come and what we’d expect from our relationships in the future. More than anything we started to question the idea of what “the one” really means and if it actually exists.
So, what is “the one”? Is it a serendipitous meeting on the train platform? Is it walking into that sandwich shop and locking eyes with that attractive stranger and having that internal conversation about how if you hadn’t been there you’d never met? The answer is c.) none of the above. “The one” isn’t something you find, it’s something you make.
Serendipity is a beautiful idea, and I, myself, still believe that there’s a reason for everything, but as I grow older, I realize so much more goes into a relationship, and, more importantly, intimacy. It’s more than making out in bars, hosting parties together, or how your friends flow together, though those things are incredibly fun. To build a long-lasting relationship, have deep intimacy, your relationship must have the following characteristics:
- safety
- trust
- listening
- respect
- caring
- mutuality
- integrity
- risk
- exploration
- shared values
As much as I’d love to take credit for the above, I must attribute the top ten to a man who I’ve recently began studying with, Mr. Jeffrey Rubin, author of The Art of Flourishing. You will always find people who say when they found “the one” it was an instantaneous feeling, but I’m quite sure if most of those people looked deeper and really thought about the actual experience, they’d say the above ten were present and realized quite early on, and that is exactly why they felt comfortable and excited enough to consider, and eventually call their partner “the one”.
So, what’s it all about? That is a question I ask myself a lot in life, in particular with my writing. I have never once given up hope that I’d meet that one special person, and encourage others to keep up that hope as well. And as the biggest romantic comedy lover I know, I would also never discourage the desire for serendipity. What I DO encourage is a hopeful, but realistic approach on what intimacy, care and the true meaning of a relationship really means. If this becomes the forefront and goal of your journey, then you might find “the one” is a lot closer than you realized. Speaking of goals, I’ll leave you with this quote from the man himself, Bruce Lee:
“A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.”
Enjoy the journey!
