The other day I was running errands in my neighborhood when I thought I heard someone call my name. I looked over, saw someone I didn’t know, and assumed he must be referring to some other Lindsey. I turned up Robyn on my ipod (great break-up music, btw), but after three more Lindsey‘s the guy ran up behind me, grabbed my shoulders, and went in for a hug!
First of all, in New York City you do not:
1. Run up behind people
2. Touch strangers
3. Give out free hugs
Before I could stick my elbow out and go in for the kill, this mystery person started talking about my friends, my job, my life. Either I officially had a stalker or else I’d slept with him at some point. So I did what any normal person would do: I hugged him, whispered I’m so sorry about everything, and then slowly, dramatically walked away—with a limp.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, faced with someone you should remember but don’t, here are a few additional suggestions:
1. Scream “OH MY GOD!!!! I haven’t seen you in forever. How was that thing you had to take care of?!” Make thing sound like an STD or a horrible medical procedure. Make sure you scream it loud, and directly into their good ear.
2. Feign mental illness or memory loss. Address them as “Grandma?” Always carry a fake doctor’s note that says, “Dear pedestrian, I regret to inform you that your dear friend has a rare disease that makes her believe that everyone is her grandmother. And her grandmother was a not a nice person, so you have til the count of three to get out of her face.” You should also ask them to read the note aloud using a British accent.
3. Run away yelling, “I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.” Works every time.
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
E_bob
I love reading through your blog
Big City Siren
Thanks!!!! Keep reading!!!