Happy belated Valentine’s day to all the Big City Sirens out there. This year, I actually have a Valentine, and it even has a penis! The relationship is new, so I thought I’d go over a few new relationship tips because girls are, well, stupid. I’m stupid, you’re stupid, we’re all stupid. And if you are a guy reading this, you are stupid too. Probably even more stupid. But we are women and we know not to expect a lot from you, so we are even stupider for thinking that you are less stupid than the stupid that you are.
So without further ado, here are a few things NOT TO DO IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP:
1. Act crazy.
I keep meeting men that aren’t ready to “get into something.” Look, I don’t want a husband tomorrow, but I don’t need to fuck strangers anymore. I am open to starting something cool. But when he says, “I’m not ready to get into something,” it causes the crazy inner monologue: I’m liking this person but I don’t know how much I can tell him about that without scaring him, so instead I’m going to shut down. But on the other hand, if I shut down, how can he get to know me? But I don’t want to be too open because it will freak him out, and then I’ll start to really like him…
STOP ACTING CRAZY. Stop watching him in his sleep because you like the way he breathes. Just go out, keep fucking strangers, make him really jealous, and eventually you’ll trap him, change him, and make him the man you want him to be… MWAAAHHHHHHH!
2. Vomit.
Actually, I am going to go out on a limb and say that you should NEVER vomit in front of a man, new or old relationship. For two reasons. First, he doesn’t need to see you like that. Second, a man vomiting is the most horrendous thing you’ll ever witnessed, so if they don’t have to take care of you vomiting, then you don’t have to take care of them. Get it?
3. Let him know that you are lazy, needy, boring, and a dead fish in the sack.
Instead, pretend you know how to cook, LOVE to clean, and are oh-so-adventurous in the bedroom. Eventually you will snag him and then you can really be yourself—totally bat shit crazy! Yay! I, for one, can’t wait. (And I can’t wait to finally poop when he’s in the apartment. I’ve been waiting for him to run errands, but this can’t be good for my body.)
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
