Well ladies, I found the answer to meeting men. It involves Milk-Bones, collars, and putting poop into little baggies. No, I am not talking about some weird new fetish, I’m talking about getting a dog. I spent this past weekend with my friend Miranda’s dog Claire, and although Claire couldn’t be less interested in me, she turned out to be a real wiener magnet. I have never been hit on so much by the opposite sex.
Miranda left me a note on her fridge that said, “Dog needs to be walked and fed three times a day, poop bags are in the drawer, blah blah blah…” I spent a good chunk of the weekend sitting in her cold living room cuddling with Claire. We watched The Truth About Cats and Dogs twice (we both loved it) and I Heart Huckabees once (Claire loved it, it was over my head).
On Sunday afternoon, I ran nine miles for my half-marathon training, and then I had one dirty martini that knocked me on my butt. This is the email I sent to Miranda after getting sloshed:
Dear Miranda,
Claire is a doll. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we love each other. She is also a GREAT way to pick guys, so I’ve decided that I will need to borrow her every once in a while. I already met one who got my number, and I think we are gonna hang out next week. If I only knew it would take Claire to get guys to talk to me….
Ran 9 miles in one of your sweaters, ate a lot of your nuts, and am currently lounging in your pants. Will walk Claire after work tomorrow, then the rest is up to you. She needs to be walked and fed 3 times a day. There is split pea soup in your fridge and the mirror in your bathroom made a terrible noise and came crashing down, but didn’t break and no one died. And did you know Pinkberry delivers?
Love you,
Linz
So girls, borrow a dog and hit the park (but don’t borrow a little shitty one, they attract the wrong crowd).
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
