Last night I went to the theatre to see a wonderful play called Venus in Fur. My friend Ross was the assistant director, so I hung around afterwards to congratulate him. I was waiting on the sidewalk outside of the theatre, innocently chatting with my theatre date about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness, when I felt a very aggressive tap on my shoulder. Because the tap almost knocked me over, I figured it was Ross messing with me. When I turned around, I saw an old man, who then got up in my face and said, in a very angry voice, “Excuse me. Was that insulting move you just made with your bag because of me?” Then he walked away. Clearly this man was a little crazy, but I still wondered what I did with my bag that was so offensive. Since he walked away so quickly, I didn’t get a chance to get to the bottom of the situation. If I had his address, I’d send him this:
Dear Grumpy Old Man Outside the Lyceum Theatre on West 45th Street,
I apologize if I did something with my purse that made you feel uncomfortable. In all honesty, I do not recall what I did, nor do I even think I saw you before you accosted me, so I’m not sure when I would have had the time to do something “insulting with my bag.” Maybe I bumped into you? Did I accidentally hit you with my bag? I don’t remember bumping into anyone, and I am pretty sure I was standing still so that would mean that you actually bumped into ME…so that’s out. And if you bumped into me, I want to tell you that I am not mad at you at ALL. The way you said “the insulting move” however, suggests that you were upset about something other than a bump. It suggests that you think I did something so offensive with my bag that you felt the need to turn around and physically accost me. Maybe I zipped it because we were on the street and my bag was open and I wanted it to be closed? Maybe I happened to do that at the moment when you were walking by and you thought I was zipping it because of you? I’m sorry if it’s because I zipped my bag. I should have kept it open.
Can I explain something to you dear sir? I didn’t zip my bag to hurt YOU. Life does not revolve around YOU. I did not make an insulting move with my bag because of YOU. I’ve never done anything in my life because of YOU. Most people don’t live their lives and make their daily decisions because of YOU. Maybe you should get out of New York for a little while. Take a vacation, feel the breeze, drink a fruity beverage at some Margaritaville in some bullshit place in the Caribbean or go to a Club Med somewhere and play BINGO or shuffleboard on the 13th deck of a cruiseship. But do me one favor—don’t touch me. Because next time, I’ll cut you and gut you like a fish.
Lots of love,
Big City Siren
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
