Recently I met someone who lives really, really far away. On the other hand, he’s really, really awesome and super, super funny and very, very attractive and puts up with my ridiculous, ridiculous behavior and I think he secretly likes it. (At least, that’s what I tell myself morning, noon, and night). Plus, he’s a much better person than I am, and I figure if he lives really far away it’ll take him a lot longer to figure that out. So this crazy hot mess (me) is going for it and taking the plunge: LONG DISTANCE.
Duh Duh Duhhhh!
Here are a few tips I’ve acquired thus far for making a long distance thing work:
1. The camera adds ten pounds, so if you are going to get naked on Skype borrow a friend who is thinner than you and figure out how to stick your head on their body. It may be awkward for your friend, but you can buy them dinner or a beer afterwards. They WILL get over it.
2. Send him a blow up doll with a huge picture of your face attached to the head so he can have sex with it and pretend it’s you!
3. Stop drunk texting him that it’s okay to “fuck strangers.” That just makes you seem crazier than you are. And let’s save that aspect for once you’ve already trapped him, made him love you, and he’s move here against his will and better judgement.
Any questions?
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
