ALMOST CARRIE ~ Paraphernalia

I took a week off from ‘Almost Carrie’ to enjoy the holidays, but don’t think for a second that I stopped contemplating Sex and the City‘s profound effects on society.  In fact, Christmas vacation proved a catalyst for a complicated meditation on one of Sex and the City’s most enduring controversies—the ubiquitous presence of SATC stuff.

On Christmas morning, I opened a gift from my brother-in-law (a gag gift, he warned in advance).  It was the Sex and the City Trivia Game, which comes in a hot pink tin and contains “1000 Questions About Your Favorite TV Series!”  If you are a regular reader of this column, you are well aware that I am a serious Sex and the City fan, but my loyalty to the series in no way corresponds with a desire to play a SATC-themed game during my leisure time.  In fact, playing a SATC board game would be near the bottom of my list.  First of all, it is not gratifying to answer questions about the minutia of a singular topic; the whole fun of Trivial Pursuit, for instance, is that it challenges you on a variety of subjects.  Secondly, I already know every answer, which after a while is a little embarrassing.  And who would I get to play with me anyway?  Few people have as much SATC knowledge as the SATC tour guides, but when we get together for cocktails, the last thing we want to do is rehash plot points.

Three days after my Christmas with the in-laws, my own parents rolled into town bearing more gifts.  A second joke present came from my mother—Sex and the City perfume.  The box features a photograph of a city skyline, retouched so that all the buildings shine pink.  A close inspection reveals that the skyline is not actually New York, and an even closer inspection reveals that the perfume is actually called Sex IN the City, not Sex AND the City.  Inside the box, one finds this (it may be necessary to shield your eyes):

The plethora of Sex and the City paraphernalia that exists is obscene, and—what’s worse—all this junk is at perilous odds with the quality of the show.  Take the HBO store located on 6th Avenue.  Perhaps it’s convenient to have a place where box sets of John Adams and Cathouse exist for those folks who haven’t yet discovered Amazon or Netflix.  And I totally understand the desperate relief one feels when they stumble upon the XXL Bada-Bing t-shirt or “Follically Challenged” Curb-Your-Enthusiasm baseball cap that is just perfect for that hard-to-shop-for uncle.  But am I right to assume that Carrie would rather die than wear this:

Other things the store has to offer?  A large purse covered in plastic baubles with a metal SATC insignia stitched to the front, plastic sunglasses for $49.99 that say Sex and the City only on the price tag, and a collection of “I’m a Carrie” laptop skins.  Then there are the Miranda/Charlotte/Carrie/Samantha martini glasses, the “Shopping is My Cardio” scoop neck, and the “Carrie-All” pleather beach tote.

To be fair, venturing beyond the store is not much better.  When I was in Atlantic City last year, there were Sex and the City slot machines, and on a recent trip to D.C. I spotted this little gem:

It is (how clever!) a company that provides Segway tours of our nation’s capital.

Finally, here is one of the many SATC-inspired pastry items one can find by googling “Sex and the City cakes”:

Note that this is a 30th birthday cake.  I am sure Kristin is lovely, but this cake is only appropriate for a five-year-old pageant queen.  Either Kristin is emotionally stunted, or her family likes to give joke gifts, too.

I will admit that I did buy something at the HBO store once—it was a Sex and the City travel mug encrusted with rhinestones.  I knew it was ugly, but I drink coffee during my tour and was throwing away several to-go cups a week.  I also found it kitschy in an ironic sort of way (hey, I live in Brooklyn), but I dropped it one too many times, the plastic cracked, and now the non-biodegradable travel mug is in a landfill with the paper cups it was intended to replace.

Listen, a big part of what we love about Sex and the City is the robust nature of the lifestyle it portrays.  Each episode reminds us to get out there and live large—Have a drink!  Have a bite! Wear something outrageous!  Take life by storm!  Donning a Sex and the City t-shirt is the antithesis of all that, a foray into consumer conformism and a serious fashion faux pas to boot.  And staying home to play the Sex and the City Trivia Game when there is a whole city to explore is really just a slap in Ms. Bradshaw’s face.

Emily Sproch is a writer and a “Sex and the City” tour guide. Each Friday, she chronicles the fine line between reality and fiction in her column “Almost Carrie.”