You can learn a lot about a place by what it denies is floating around its sewers. In New York, where I live, there are rumors of alligators lurking around our poop canals. They originated, according to believers, when in days of yore parents purchased tiny, adorable reptiles for their children, only to discover (quite surprisingly) that fully grown alligators make shoddy pets. If you’ve ever tried to play frisbee with a six-foot long death lizard, you know what I’m talking about.
Of course, in our case, the “sewer alligator” story is just a legend. In reality, rats the size of trash compactors devoured all hapless sewer gators decades ago, and in fact they are the unquestioned masters of most septic realms and even sections of Queens.
This year we discovered that London, the capital of Britain, has humongous globs of fat congealed all throughout its underbelly. I’m not making this up: so much lard and grease has been flushed down British “loo’s” (toilets) that they have organized into clumps in the pipes beneath the city. So much so that the English have moved on past their initial reaction of blurting out “ghastly” and “Oh my!” about the cesspool fatburgs, to using them as a source of alternative fuel.
This is great news for Americans! First, more oil for us. We may not have to invade another Middle Eastern country for another few months. But it’s also a good thing to mention, and mention frequently, if you have any uppity English friends. The British, who once had an empire and even a decent soccer team, epically downsized a few years back. This is a big blow to the collective ego of the nation, even now, but they’ve figured out a way to create national self-esteem without dominating a lot of overseas real estate: by not being American.
Many nations across the planet similarly cherish Not Being an American as an accomplishment of sorts. And when they say “American,” they are of course referring to Texans. Specifically loud overweight ones. When Londoners think of “Americans” they never picture inner-city black folk, or Japanese communities in San Francisco. They think of chubby people with loud voices and curious homemade contractions. Basically Galveston, TX.
So it’s a little rewarding to discover that Londoners consume such heaping amounts of fat in their city that it potentially qualifies as a strategic energy resource. The sewers of London are so clogged with cholesterol and lard that you could sell tickets to it as a “A Walk through Michael Moore’s Arteries.”
Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian. Further insights can be found at www.MightyHeaton.com
