Until a few months ago I had not recalled the last instance when I felt afraid, deep fear. It happened suddenly, impressively, unmistakably, indelibly after I dropped my clothes and dipped my whole self into the pond on a friend’s Catskill Mountain estate. My eyes opened underneath the water’s surface, below a sky and above a bottom I could not see. I panicked. Being a Florida native, I recall swimming before learning to walk. Not strong though skilled in the water, I knew I could make way back to the dock from where I’d somersaulted six to seven feet away into what immediately seemed to be an abyss. The Gulf of my childhood family vacations, field trips and school skipping youth allowed me to see fish, seaweed and sand. Here in Delaware County, New York, days before the autumnal equinox, in this 13 feet deep, grass-strewn chalice surrounded by pines, I could not see my jittering hands a millimeter below the surface.
The mostly white gray-tinged clouds were darker on the water’s surface. What may have been dragons on ferris wheels and pixies riding unicorns if I’d been supine on the grassy knoll looking upward were perturbed alligators, and penis hungry piranha as I stared below, waiting to be attacked by the creature from the Blue Lagoon. Quick. I had to rationalize and steady my nerves. My friend wouldn’t let me go, un-warned and care-free into a debilitating or potential death trap. What are the odds of there being maladjusted fanged fish in this docile mini-body of Earth’s most precious resource? “Chill the fuck out”, I thought aloud. I was, in a moment, humbled, naked, alone in the water. In less than sixty seconds I had been de-nuded of pride and security. I decided to let the pond have its way with me and put my mind in its place.
I looked again at the water’s surface and willfully transformed the clouds’ reflections to whimsical fancy figures of delightful presence and affable demeanor. Feeling slightly disgusted at my mental dexterity and push for a pleasant Mickey Mouse type escape, I raised my right hand, figuratively, and slapped some sense into my emotional scales tipping out of balance. “It’s not a threat and it’s no fairy tale. It’s just water, ” I said to my-self. I glanced downward and was floating, not flailing, paddling, jittering or worrying.
I’d learned in two minutes, again…how to be. Simply be. Accept. Live. This pond reminded me of the plunge I’d taken into the City of New York, nearly six years ago to the day. Bare of expectation and lacking any knowledge of what I would jump into, I opened my eyes and could see nothing I recognized, though day’s light shown bright enough for me to see what was directly in front of me. Coming out of that parallel imaginary analogy of where I’d been to where I was, it occurred, as starkly at the moment, I could look at the water as well as the City of New York and make of it anything my intentions inclined me to make of it. Or I could let it be. Be. Make peace in that being. In both cases, I was in it and of it…
What does all that mean?
Pearl
This story reminds me of a misadventure or adventure I experienced in my youth at camp. I found myself in the middle of the lake, without my life preserver on, almost drowning. I did not know how to swim and unfortunately, still never learned. At least you learned how to become one with the water, something that is still a task for me.
Andrew Bell
Still learning along with you. Peace Sister!
And thanks for EVERYTHING.
Silvina
Ultimately, today, Thanksgiving, is a time one needs to be aware of all that is in one’s life. Be thankful for what is -this is life, in it’s essence…
Andrew Bell
Well put friend.
Happy Holiday to you and yours.
Goldie James
I had no idea, know what you mean though. As a non swimmer I can see how intimidating the pond seems, but with my inflated tube I can navigate it. Almost like life, you need to adapt to the situation. Peace!
Andrew Bell
Well said. The aid of life preserver is required sometimes. Thanks for being that for me!!!
Claudine
“…I’d learned in two minutes, again…how to be. Simply be. Accept. Live.”
I luv this statement. Life is certainly mother-nature’s best teacher. Life often takes us out of our comfort-zone just as we’r discovering it; just as we’ve coin new ways of being in the world; or what we think our world is. But if we could simply learn the art of Being… Just ‘Be’ in it all, Be part of it all.. the changes wouldn’t be so starling.. -I suppose its bcuz ‘Being’ would require our Letting Go…
Andrew Bell
You should have a blog!