I really, really liked my last relationship. The guy was awesome. We fell for each other instantly and were super compatible. He cooked, he had a huge stuffed dinosaur next to his bed that wore funky sunglasses, and he loved to take pictures of his poop—a total catch! The only problem was that he had monthly panic attacks about being in a relationship, during which I’d have to rub his back to calm him down. It was just too much. I had to walk away. Ah, life.
Every time I go through a break-up though, I end up hearing from the ex as soon as another guy enters the picture. A few weeks ago, as I was making out with someone new, I got a text from the poop guy. Then, just the other night I went on a date, and I woke up in the morning with an email from a totally different ex! How are they doing this?! Can they smell that I’m suddenly getting some from across town? Is my vagina THAT powerful? If it is, why can’t I use it to shake up the White House or promote world peace? Why couldn’t I have used it to treat the gangrene on Baby Jessica’s foot so that she wouldn’t have had to have it removed? (I still can’t believe she fell in that well—I mean who does that?)I just don’t get it. Men, please—let me know. Let me know what it is that brings you back as soon as I start to move on. (Also, could you let me know what you think about my hair? Do you think it’s too pedestrian? Should I cut it? Keep it the same? Help!)
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
