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YORKVILLE: STOOPS TO NUTS ~ Dad’s Paper Route

Friday, May 11th, 2012

“The royal ass has been wiped!”

Mom would make this announcement from the bathroom as Rory and I drank Tang and ate burnt toast in the kitchen. We’d hear Dad moaning to himself in his bedroom.

After Dad went to the bathroom each morning, Mom would examine how much toilet paper remained on the roll. Dad was out of control when it came to products—Silver Foil, Wax Paper, Brillo, Saran Wrap. If he washed dishes, the soap flowed like a Las Vegas fountain; if the table needed drying, Dad swung a roll of paper towels around like a lasso. “Yahoo!” Cowboy Bob screamed, and round and round the roll would go, paper filling the air like a Chinese New Year. Mom would go friggin’ nuts. Rory and I would duck.

Products were purchased with Mom’s house money, and the house money budget never went up. Year in, year out, Mom made her case but Dad kept the allowance where it was and continued to use the soap and paper products like he was auditioning to replace Shirley Booth in Hazel.

One rainy afternoon, when I was five and Rory was three, Dad decided to give us a lesson on how to wipe our butts. We sat on the edge of the tub. Dad took the stage at the front of the bowl. Our bathroom was five feet wide and seven feet long.

“You see what I’m doing with my hand? See the way I’m rolling the paper around and around? That’s what you do before you wipe. Cover your hand like a bandaged wound, and only then do you go in and finish the job. Gotta be clean down there when you leave.”

Rory and I humored Dad with a quick nod, then gave each other a quicker look that said, “He’s out of his mind.”

Mom came in the bathroom at the end of the lesson and said, “If you use that much paper, I’ll kill the three of you.”

Pat & Bob Pryor, 1968

Thomas Pryor has been featured on A Prairie Home Companion and This American Life, and his work has appeared in the New York Times. He curates City Stories: Stoops to Nuts, a storytelling show at the Cornelia Street Café on the second Tuesday of the month (next one May 8th). Check out his blog Yorkville: Stoops to Nuts.

YORKVILLE: STOOPS TO NUTS ~ Central Park in a Rumble Seat

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

“I used to ride in my father’s rumble seat,” Dad told me once while we sat at the bar in Loftus Tavern. As Dad drank a short beer and I sipped a coke, I wondered, What’s a rumble seat? I asked. He said, “It was a seat that hinged out of the back of the car. It felt like you were riding in mid-air.” We mulled over our drinks and I thought, Someday, I’m going to ride in a rumble seat.

One afternoon in the Old Timer’s Tavern, as I was laying on the floor and watching the fan spin, I overheard my Uncle Mickey say to my father, “Bob, when we were young, I remember you driving us to Rockaway. Why don’t you have a car now?” He replied, ”Because I know I’m going to drink, and I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

The Pryors didn’t have a car, and so we depended on the kindness of strangers and relatives. My Uncle George took us to beaches and lakes, my paternal grandfather took us with him to buy wool for my grandmother on Grand Street. I spent an inordinate amount of time in Checker cabs headed for Yankee Stadium and Madison Square Garden. That gave me access to the pull up seat on the floor of the cab. A seven-ticket ride.

My mother’s father, Pop Ryan, did not have a car either, but in 1961 he bought his first one, a Falcon in mint condition. This made my grandmother Nan very unhappy since my Pop Ryan had a reputation for taking the laws of self-preservation lightly.

Pop Ryan put plastic over the seats and washed the car every Saturday in front of the house on York Avenue (he was the building’s super). Nan wouldn’t let him take me driving for the first few weeks because he had just gotten his license by the skin of his teeth. After six weeks and relentless whining and begging, she finally let me go. I started off in the back seat but climbed into the front seat when we were out Nan’s sight. We turned left on 86th Street, and then went over to Fifth Avenue and passed my favorites places: Loews Orpheum, Woolworth’s, RKO, Horn and Hardart’s, Prexy’s, Singer’s, and many more.

We drove down Fifth Avenue past museums and mansions, and I took it all in on my knees with my head out the window catching air in my mouth. At 72nd Street we turned into Central Park and veered right past Pilgrim Hill. Going north, I waved at the boathouse doing 30 miles an hour.

At Cherry Hill, I said, “Pop, do 40!” He hit the accelerator. Near the Engineer’s Gate I saw a hawk swoop down and said, “Pop, 50!” The speedometer moved up. As we started down the hill past the 102nd Street transverse, I yelled,”60, 60, 60!” Pop gave me a wicked smile and there we went. Past the Harlem Meer at the north end of the park, taking the downhill curves at 60 miles an hour with no one on the road but us. When we rode the curb facing Cathedral Parkway and nearly hit a trash can, Pop backed down to 50, then 40, and we stayed there until we turned east at Columbus Circle and headed back to Yorkville.

Luckily, there was a spot in front of the house. Pop parked, while I jumped out ran up the stoop and busted into the apartment screaming, “Nan, it was great; we did 60 miles an hour in Central Park!”

The next day Pop sold the car.

Pop Ryan and Nan with the Falcon, 1961

My Paternal Grandfather in his Model T, 1922

Thomas Pryor has been featured on A Prairie Home Companion and This American Life, and his work has appeared in the New York Times. He curates City Stories: Stoops to Nuts, a storytelling show at the Cornelia Street Café on the second Tuesday of the month (next one May 8th). Check out his blog Yorkville: Stoops to Nuts.

YORKVILLE: STOOPS TO NUTS ~ A Visit to the City of Puddles

Sunday, April 29th, 2012

I’ve been overseas for the past few weeks, and the weather in Paris, Brittany, and Normandy went like this: rainy, cold and humid, windy, drizzly, a sun tease, rainy again followed by rapidly moving clouds, then a sudden dark sky, then a downpour. The “put a bullet in my head” weather, however, did not stop me from exploring some wonderful French neighborhoods and stoops in the cities and the countryside. The photos here are themed around French rain and puddles (I also snuck in a few dry ones). Paris is “The City of Lights,” spectacularly beautiful at night, but it also earned my own personal moniker “The City of Puddles.” I went through three umbrellas, yet the views I discovered were worth it. France is a wet, gorgeous country with kick-ass cereal and fantastic cheese that makes this mouse cry for joy. Sing it John!

Over next few weeks I will put up many photographs. The sun makes several brief appearances!

Click HERE for more rainy day shots.

Thomas Pryor has been featured on A Prairie Home Companion and This American Life, and his work has appeared in the New York Times. He curates City Stories: Stoops to Nuts, a storytelling show at the Cornelia Street Café on the second Tuesday of the month (next one May 8th). Check out his blog Yorkville: Stoops to Nuts.